


Hold On, I Still Want You

by Ninyaaaaaaah



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, M/M, Poly Gay Trio, what do people even tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 02:49:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10958106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninyaaaaaaah/pseuds/Ninyaaaaaaah
Summary: Inspired by the angst prompts that @one_golden_sun and @freakingwriter2013 were doing, and written in @one_golden_sun's modern au. Major angst ahead. Recommended provisions: kleenex, chocolate, tea, cats on standby.18. "I don't love you. I never have."I had "Hold On" by Chord Overstreet one repeat while writing this.





	Hold On, I Still Want You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [one_golden_sun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/one_golden_sun/gifts), [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).
  * Inspired by [You've Won Me Over, In No Time At All](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9417806) by [one_golden_sun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/one_golden_sun/pseuds/one_golden_sun). 



18\. “I don’t love you. I never have.”

\--

It was the end of a very long subway ride, at the end of a very long day, at the end of a very long week. John’s current project was pushing him to the very limits of his stamina, demanding long hours and over time. He’d barely seen Alex and Laf in weeks, and he was looking forward to finally having some downtime with his boyfriends.

Juggling his bag and the paper bag of groceries he’d bought in one arm, John managed to get his key in the door and swing it open with a hip. He stepped inside-

-and dropped everything he was holding where he stood. Potatoes rolled across the floor, and the glass bottle of milk shattered.

“….what?”

His voice was hushed, a wave of pure terror crashing over him and turning his blood to ice water. 

The apartment was empty. 

Not just empty of Alex and Laf.

Empty.

“What the fuck.”

John whispered, not believing his own eyes. Everything was gone, without a trace, as if no one had ever lived here. As if his life with Alex and Laf was a lie, had never happened, a cruel trick of a daydream…

Panic gripped him with a thick wave of nausea and he ran to the bedroom, threw open the door.

Empty.

Feeling sick, John checked room after room, his heart hammering in his chest. 

Empty, empty, empty.

A sob tore from his throat.

It couldn’t be true. They couldn’t have left. They couldn’t have left without him, without taking him with them, without telling them, without at least saying goodbye?

Oh god. 

This couldn’t be happening. 

“No, oh god nonononono….”

The tears were coming hard and fast now, streaming down his face unfelt. They couldn’t be gone, they just couldn’t. This wasn’t happening.

It wasn’t.

It couldn’t.

They loved him.

Didn’t they?

_Did you really think they’d keep you forever?_

A nasty voice in the back of his head asked. John shook his head wildly back and forth, curls flying free of their bun. 

He dove for his bag, swearing at the straps as he wrestled it open frantically, fumbling for his phone. He yanked it out, spilling the bag’s contents everywhere, dropped the phone, grabbed it, and fumbled to unlock it.

“Fuck!”

He dropped it again, hands shaking so badly he couldn’t get it unlocked. Spilled milk soaked into his jeans.

Finally, finally he got it unlocked, scrolled through his contacts for Laf’s number and dialed. Put the phone to his ear and couldn’t breathe while it rang.

And rang.

And rang.

Clicked over to voicemail.

“Where the fuck are you?!”

John shrieked, hurling the phone across the room and dissolving into helpless, gut wrenching sobs. 

It couldn’t be true. It couldn’t possibly be true. 

_Did you really think they loved you?_

That voice in the back of his head. John scrubbed a hand across his face, scrambled for his phone.

“Oh fuck please don’t be broken.”

He wailed, snatching it in his shaking hands and picking it up. He found Alex in his contacts and hit “call”. He couldn’t breathe, felt like he was about to be sick, and couldn’t stand the sight of these empty rooms anymore. Sobbing, he fled the empty apartment, racing down flight after flight of stairs in a panicked rush while he listened to Alex’s phone ring.

And ring.

And ring.

He slipped on the concrete steps and nearly fell, choking on tears. 

“You’ve reached Alexander Hamilton. Leave a message!”

John nearly hurled the phone down the stairs. 

“Answer your phone god damn it!”

John wailed, hitting redial.

“Hello?”

Alex’s voice picking up. 

Relief flooded John’s body, making him weak. He grabbed the railing, steadying himself, halfway from the penthouse to ground floor and suspended in time.  
It was followed quickly by anger that made him shake, made his tears stream faster down his face.

“Where are you!?”

He shouted into the phone. 

Cruel laughter met his ear.

“We moved. Oh, baby boy. You didn’t really think we loved you? We don’t. We never have.”

The phone slipped from his fingers.

Shattered.

John collapsed to his knees in the concrete stairwell.

Shattered.

 

\--

 

“John? John wake up!!”

Hands shook him roughly, Alex’s voice startling John awake. 

He flailed, scrambling out of the tangled, sweaty blankets, his heart pounding, blind with anguish.

“John, baby boy what’s wrong? I’m here.”

With a sob that threatened to tear Alex’s heart in two, John flung himself into Alex’s arms, burying his face in the crook of his boyfriend’s neck and sobbing like the world was over. Alex sank to the floor, holding John like he’d never let him go. 

“Don’t leave me please don’t leave me, don’t leave me please don’t leave me!”

He sobbed, over and over and over.

“Laf!”

He barely heard Alex’s sharp voice, registered only that he was here, with his arms tight around John’s shaking body, familiar scent in his nose. 

“Mon chou what is it- John! What is wrong?”

And then Laf was there too, dropping to the ground beside them, enveloping them both in his strong arms and pulling them close, asking Alex something in French. Alex responded quietly, and John just sobbed harder, torn into a million pieces in his lovers’ arms.

“Don’t leave me please don’t leave me, don’t leave me please don’t leave me!”

Laf kissed the side of his head, and John was able to take a deep, shuddering breath.

“Mon cher, what is it? We would never leave you, we could never… what made you think this?”

Hands – Alex’s or Laf’s, he wasn’t sure- stroked his back. Alex kissed his head and kept his lips pressed into his hair.

“B-b-but everything was g-gone!”

John wailed.

“Little one, you were dreaming. Look around you- everything is still here.”

Slowly, John lifted his head, blinking through eyes blurred with tears at their bedroom, and everything in it. The huge bed. The open closet filled with clothes. Alex’s boxers still on the floor from yesterday…

Alex. And Laf. Still real, still here.

“Y-you said you didn’t love me.”

He whimpered. 

Alex’s arms tightened around him, and Laf made a sad sound deep in his throat.

“Never.”

Alex placed his fingertips gently under John’s chin and turned his head so they were eye to eye, and John was startled to see the barest sheen of tears in Alex’s dark eyes.

“Never, you hear me? We do love you, more than you will ever know. Always have.”

John sniffled, his tears beginning to slow in the comfort of his lovers’ arms. 

“B-but, where were you?”

Laf snuggled close behind him, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck.

“Mon cher, we just slipped out to the grocery store, and when we returned you were asleep. You have had a long week, so we let you sleep.”

John coughed, choking on his tears, and buried his head in Alex’s shoulder again, rubbing his face on the soft fabric of Alex’s shirt.

“Hey.”

Alex’s soft voice and gentle fingers brought his head back up.

“We love you. For the rest of our lives and forever after.”

John sniffled, choking back a fresh wave of tears. 

“Okay?”

Alex asked, dark eyes searching John’s face.

John nodded.

“Okay.”

He whispered.

“We are incomplete without you.”

Laf smoothed John’s hair over one shoulder and kissed him behind the ear, hands stroking soothingly over his body. 

“A-are you sure?”

John hiccupped, trying to breathe properly again, his mind finally beginning to come back online.

“Absolutely.”

Laf kissed behind his ear again.

“100%.”

Alex smoothed the hair back from his forehead.

“Irreversibly.”

Laf kissed the back of his head.

“Positive.”

Alex stroked his jaw.

“Not even a hint of doubt.”

Laf stroked his shoulders.

“Forever and ever, and even after that, like I said.”

Alex brushed a thumb across John’s cheekbone, and kissed him with all the love and tenderness in the world. John melted, his tears slowing to a halt and his heart knitting back together under the careful attention of the two men he loved most in the world.

Who loved him back.

Always had.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't write fanfic because it intimidates the hell out of me, but this prompt stuck in my head and wouldn't go away, so. Here it is.
> 
> *hides*


End file.
